Baking In Pajamas

I do some of my best work in my pajamas. There is creative momentum lost in the act of getting dressed and presentable. This morning I woke with the vision of making a pecan pumpkin pie while sipping from a big mug of earl grey tea. I just don't think it would have gone as smoothly if I had done more beforehand than shuffle into slippers and pull a sweatshirt over my bed head. There is also such freedom in creating for yourself. My pie hit some snafus, but the minute I realized that I was the only one who need ever see/taste it, I was able to adjust to the new parameters of the experiment (pie shell too small/too much filling) and keep going calmly and joyfully. I suppose a goal might be to be able to react the same way when an audience is involved. As a person who has struggled her whole life with sugar abuse it is hard to settle into my love for baking. If I didn't have so much information in my head about the evils of white sugar and white flour, I would have become a pastry chef long ago. But perhaps my love does not have to be excluded by my struggle. Perhaps my knowledge of healthier alternatives combined with my sweet tooth are just the recipe for a line of real desserts that can lead other recovering addicts to a better place with dessert. Or maybe I overthink a little. Maybe the lesson is just to do, with love, the heart's bidding.

Familiar Landing Pattern

So I am once again settling into a new community, which brings out the neurotic in me. There is such anxiety in unfamiliarity, and yet I bring it upon myself again and again.
I have noticed that my blogging is at its best during a perfect storm of easy internet access and new social situations in which I have not yet warmed up enough to converse easily with real people. I know some of you really like to have a window into my adventures and for a time I will try to keep you up to date, but know that when the posts get fewer and farther between it means I am just too engaged in life to write about it.
Its a bittersweet phenomenon for me. I really like to write and am gratified to know that the word pictures I paint are being enjoyed. I play with the idea of someday writing a book, but my best work seems to happen when I am not all that happy.
Anyway, I haven't much to relate of the current adventure yet. I am just puttering around my nest til it feels right, figuring out where the post office is and reminding myself to breathe. Tomorrow I start work and can stop running stories about what it will be like through my head and just shovel some compost!

Thanksgiving In Space

Holidays seem to be filled with expectations, obligations and stress, which I'm pretty sure is the opposite of the way its supposed to be. In my gypsy life I have spent quite a few holidays away from home and it always gives me a great perspective on what's important and what's enjoyable.
The nearest I came to stress this year was adjusting to new pie crust ingredients (lard and sprouted flour, both of which I am really excited about) and realizing I didn't have a round pan (time was this would have brought me to tears as the underlying fear was that nobody would like me anymore if I didn't make the pie they (I) were expecting). I made the crusts last night, and this morning after my morning beverage I was ready to make the filling which took about 10 minutes. I used to make at least 2 kinds of pie as well; no more!
After breakfast I went to a park near where I'm staying that is mostly for dog walkers, but they allow you in without a dog. It is right on the water and in the distance the Bay and Golden Gate bridges and San Francisco were wrapped in low clouds. Its fun to observe all the dogs; they absolutely embody their personality, whereas humans all take great pains to looks relatively the same as everyone else. I walked for close to an hour and now I have about two hours until I am expected at the big feast and nothing to do but get dressed!
I have been thinking all morning about thanks and how I used to be looking always for really big things to be thankful for and feeling bad that someone else seemed to have something more impressive. Today the things I am grateful for are the small, big things, like weather and breathing and plants and stoves, the kind of things you forget are gifts if you are caught up rushing to meet expectations and obligations. And I'm grateful for the space to do this.

Spreading Everyday Goodness

It seems I only write when I'm lonely, mad about something, or have something to brag about. I don't like this pattern; it puts the not-so-nice stuff out into circulation and only celebrates the monumental. I'm going to try to pay homage to the ordinary things that make life grand (incidentally I am trying to pay more attention to these things in my life in general).
I've had a really nice weekend after a bit of a hectic week. I planned to do a tour of bay area Goodwill stores yesterday which just happened to be their 50% off clothing day - sweet! Then I went to the local movie theater that also serves dinner while you watch the show. My pizza was overcooked and bland and my $4 artisan root beer had high-fructose corn syrup in it, but I managed to let these things roll off my back and really enjoyed the movie: J. Edgar. I guess I knew nothing about the guy, poor troubled man! Oh, and I began that day with sourdough crumpets I made which were a) so delicious I want to eat them for every meal and b) so much easier to make than I anticipated. I have been shy of sourdough because it seemed complicated and "scientific", but I am now very inspired to keep my starter well-cared-for and to try something out every week (maybe I'll try new things when I get tired of crumpets, which is not likely until mid-2012).
Today I am laundering all my Goodwill finds and roasting some Oz Farm delicata squash which I plan to stuff with the heavenly smelling confetti rice I just made and top with cheddar cheese for my brunch. This afternoon I will go to the kitchen and learn how to butcher a pig, and then there will be nothing on earth I can't do!
Okay, so there are maybe a few extraordinary things celebrated here, but I am also thrilled about things like squirrels running along the fence with food in their mouths and the miracle of the indoor shower!

What Do We Do?

Folks at the kitchen like to talk about the horrible things in the world. I don't think its good to bury one's head in the sand, but how do you even start to try to fix what's gone wrong?
I heard a piece on NPR the other day about teachers cheating on standardized tests on behalf of students, and the experts proposed a number of possible solutions: have someone else proctor the tests, make it harder to cheat. There was no mention that perhaps standardized tests were not an effective measure of educational success, that ideas and solutions will take us farther than answers, especially multiple choice ones. This is how I feel about all the world's ills, I feel like we aren't even asking the right questions, but at least I am glad that people are asking something!
I've been thinking a lot about the picture of the world that most young people are exposed to. Its like they only have a, b, c, and d to choose from when considering their own lives and futures. Even when we tell them they can be anything they want, how can they choose something they don't even know exists? I never thought I would be 37 and have no idea where my life was going, but how many people did I know as a child who where contented wanderers?

Mending

I've been spending the last few days doing close to nothing as I try to give my arm a break from the repetitive use that has caused it to become an extremely loud complainer. In the spring I developed some pain in my arm and wrist from all the veggie chopping I'd done all winter. My fantastic chiropracter helped me through that and I have now sought the aid of an accupuncturist, who is also helping my get rid of the splotchy skin rash I've had off and on for the past 3 years. Anyway I started out the weekend feeling very much like an invalid, but have spent my time wisely in feeding myself well and examining my inner uncertainties. I am feeling stronger and more directed and looking forward to the purpose and comradery of the kitchen again tomorrow!

Healing Retreat

I spent a renewing and relaxing weekend in the middle of nowhere. My dear friend Alysoun, whom I have not seen since she was pregnant with her first child (who is now 5) and her husband Tarry (and now 2 children) live in Mendocino county where he is the manager of a small organic farm. The only way to get there is to spend almost three hours on the exasperatingly winding Highway 1, but once there, the town of about 450 residents and the farm nestled in a fertile valley are charming and delightful. The farm and their house are totally off the grid. They are in the midst of making some improvements, but both toilet and shower are currently outside (and it is none too warm) and until a second yurt arrives this week, the parents' bed is in the living room. I stayed in the guest shack, which might sound unpleasant, but Alysoun has always been a masterful nest-maker, so I slept swaddled in down with a hot water bottle and was in heaven!
I read lots of sweet English storybooks to Brendan and Sophie, ate tons of fresh, delicious veggies and apples, visited their heavenly neighborhood bakery, and sat and watched the sea, but what really brought me back to life was our conversations. Alysoun and Tarry and I were all at Emerson together and there was plenty of good reminiscing, but we also share similar wishes and frustrations, and it was such fun to dream together. Alysoun is a brilliant listener and attention-giver and I just felt so taken care of all weekend!
On Sunday they packed my car full of produce; apples galore, a pumpkin, onions, garlic, greens, tomatoes, potatoes, zucchini, a bunch of fresh rosemary, and two sandwich bags of chanterelle mushrooms! I have eaten like a queen ever since!
I have felt lighter and more at ease since our visit and look forward to going back soon!