What have I done!

It felt good in San Diego (if lacking in dear friends which I am missing sorely right now), so now I'm looking for work. I hate looking for jobs! It's exhausting to keep coming up with the answers people want to hear. Every day I go through an astounding array of thoughts about my future. What job will I have? A postal worker? A receptionist? A burger slinger? Will I live above someone's garage? In a grimy furnished room with a hot plate? Under an overpass? Will I find a community of kindred spirits or will the social highlight of my week remain the smiles exchanged at the grocery store check out? Nothing that seems possible looks very tempting right now!
I wrote to a friend that if money was no object I would know exactly what to do with my life! I'd buy a big house near the beach. I could take in paying guests, B&B style, or just friends from out of town. I'd have a big bright room where I could work on craft projects and paint and write. I'd have a big, beautiful kitchen where friends could be found at any time of the day or night, knowing they'd be sure to find something delicious and a cozy place to be. I'd be free to travel to the far corners of the globe where I have nearly forgotten friends who invited me years ago. I have such well developed plans for if I did have money, that I feel like there's no room left to imagine how life must be because I have none.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. When I lived in Philadelphia I couldn't wait to get away from everything familiar. Now I long for game night at The Clubhouse, sandwiches at Jame and Scott's, the late night chats Shay and I would have in our jammies. I feel myself a bit ridiculous right now for imagining there was something better than what I knew.