Self Help
This morning I woke up with a feeling I haven't had in a long time. I always described it as the feeling of having been hit by a truck. It is a heaviness of soul and body and a strong but slow pounding of the heart. I used to feel it regularly when I was teaching full time in Philly. It went away a little bit when I went to part time.
Now its back, but I have the strengthened vision to see just what it is made of. Not that I always use it.
I spent most of the day engaging in avoidance; driving, shopping, then I tried to go to a movie. Those who know me know that I never have cash, a habit that has been nurtured by the prevalence of credit card-accepting vendors. Well, the universe had conspired with this theater not to accept credit, so I turned away desperate and irritated.
Having no money, I went to the best free entertainment in town; the ocean. I took off my shoes and walked slowly in the cool, damp sand until I found the perfect driftwood bench. There I sat and let all my frustrations bob to the surface. There in the clear light I could see that all I the expectations that were weighing on me were placed there by my own hand. All the judgments were mine too. I saw the girl who is me, forever struggling to reach the top of an endless ladder of her own creation and I just loved her. There was no point in scolding her for all her mistakes, she makes her life difficult enough. Once I had held her and rocked her in my arms for a bit, I could see, instead of all the things I thought I should do, the things that I could do and that would serve me and my class.
I walked back to my car, the ocean chasing me ever higher up the beach, with the strength to do the little things that had once seemed so ominous. No practice this long-held is washed away by an half hour of surf. I have to love that girl every day and I know I will forget again. But then I know I will remember.
Now its back, but I have the strengthened vision to see just what it is made of. Not that I always use it.
I spent most of the day engaging in avoidance; driving, shopping, then I tried to go to a movie. Those who know me know that I never have cash, a habit that has been nurtured by the prevalence of credit card-accepting vendors. Well, the universe had conspired with this theater not to accept credit, so I turned away desperate and irritated.
Having no money, I went to the best free entertainment in town; the ocean. I took off my shoes and walked slowly in the cool, damp sand until I found the perfect driftwood bench. There I sat and let all my frustrations bob to the surface. There in the clear light I could see that all I the expectations that were weighing on me were placed there by my own hand. All the judgments were mine too. I saw the girl who is me, forever struggling to reach the top of an endless ladder of her own creation and I just loved her. There was no point in scolding her for all her mistakes, she makes her life difficult enough. Once I had held her and rocked her in my arms for a bit, I could see, instead of all the things I thought I should do, the things that I could do and that would serve me and my class.
I walked back to my car, the ocean chasing me ever higher up the beach, with the strength to do the little things that had once seemed so ominous. No practice this long-held is washed away by an half hour of surf. I have to love that girl every day and I know I will forget again. But then I know I will remember.
posted by Eiren at 7:52 PM
2 Comments:
I love to picture you there. If you ever need help remembering why you are loveable by yourself and others, I have lots of reasons!
What Jame said, ditto. You are doing such a fabulous courageous job of loving yourself.
You know the way and it sounds like its getting more and more familiar.
2 bits!
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