More is possible...
It is a strange time we are living in. There is as much evidence that we are headed for hell in a handbasket as there is that more amazing things are possible now than ever before. I feel my life to be just about perfect and yet the small percentage that is not is so not that if it were an arm I would knaw it off with my bare teeth to be free of it.
I was recently reading a novel set in ancient India and almost every chapter somebody was placing a curse on somebody else. Is that what's going on with me? In some far away lifetime did I so injure someone that they cried out in rage "the thing you most long for will elude you and there will be nothing you can do about it and it will make no sense to you or anyone else." Seriously, I am pretty - people have told me this all my life, maybe even when they should have said I was smart or kind or brave. I am likeable - I have friends all over the globe! I have no more insecurities or issues than anybody else I know. I intend, I affirm, I visualize! Why am I still single? Wait - don't answer that! I am sick to death of hearing "everything is in divine order", "you are in the perfect place for you right now", or the more plebian "men are stupid" (because I know that they are not!). Its a rhetorical question unless you have a really practical answer that I can do something with.
I recently had what i'm going to call a fling, for want of a better word, and I am a little stunned a)that it happened at all and b)that I was so utterly convinced that it was the start of something real. I wasn't the only one either; the idea occured to a number of people before I ever said a word. And yet in retrospect, there is no way it could have become what I really want.
I was just checking my email, staring at the screen feeling I had so much to say and yet I couldn't figure out who I was looking for in my address book. I was looking for you. Not you personally, but the crowd of the unknown whom I imagine when I write this blog; the ones I think must know exactly what I mean. This blog was once about speaking the thoughts swirling around in my head and letting them breathe, get organized or be carried off on the wind. I hope this post begins a return to that practice.
I was recently reading a novel set in ancient India and almost every chapter somebody was placing a curse on somebody else. Is that what's going on with me? In some far away lifetime did I so injure someone that they cried out in rage "the thing you most long for will elude you and there will be nothing you can do about it and it will make no sense to you or anyone else." Seriously, I am pretty - people have told me this all my life, maybe even when they should have said I was smart or kind or brave. I am likeable - I have friends all over the globe! I have no more insecurities or issues than anybody else I know. I intend, I affirm, I visualize! Why am I still single? Wait - don't answer that! I am sick to death of hearing "everything is in divine order", "you are in the perfect place for you right now", or the more plebian "men are stupid" (because I know that they are not!). Its a rhetorical question unless you have a really practical answer that I can do something with.
I recently had what i'm going to call a fling, for want of a better word, and I am a little stunned a)that it happened at all and b)that I was so utterly convinced that it was the start of something real. I wasn't the only one either; the idea occured to a number of people before I ever said a word. And yet in retrospect, there is no way it could have become what I really want.
I was just checking my email, staring at the screen feeling I had so much to say and yet I couldn't figure out who I was looking for in my address book. I was looking for you. Not you personally, but the crowd of the unknown whom I imagine when I write this blog; the ones I think must know exactly what I mean. This blog was once about speaking the thoughts swirling around in my head and letting them breathe, get organized or be carried off on the wind. I hope this post begins a return to that practice.
posted by Eiren at 12:45 PM
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